How do I become a mom without my mom?

The past few months have been a tender experience for me. I found out that I was pregnant just a few days before sending up my yearly letter to my mom with balloons. The tears fell freely as she became the first person (after Lane, of course) to find out about our little one. I felt that painful little hole that developed when I was 16 start to open its way back up again as it has from time to time throughout the past 9.5 years since she passed away.  

That gnawing little hole has been raging throughout my pregnancy. Sometimes it opens as doctors, friends, and family ask me questions about my pregnancy compared to my mom's. The disappointment that I feel for never asking her these questions (at 16, when I definitely didn't care) can be quite crushing at times. Were there similarities between our pregnancies? How fast did I come/how long was her labor with me? Did she decorate a nursery for me? What did my going home outfit look like? How did she feel about having a girl versus boy? What's it like to meet your baby for the first time? The questions keep coming and I wish I had HER answers. My responses always have to be "I don't know" with no foreseeable way of getting them answered. 

That hole also opens when I'm pondering what motherhood is and what it will look like for me. I've never been a mom before. I don't know who I am as a mother. I don't know what my life will look like anymore. It's scary. I want advice and help from my mom.

That little hole just keeps getting bigger as I become bigger. I have developed and utilized strategies to deal with the pain and disappointment that her not being here has caused, but this pain just isn't going to go away. My pain and sadness are real and they make sense to me. I've never been a mom before and it's natural for me to want mine here to help me be the best I can be. But since my mom won't be here, I have to find a way to be ok. 

Here's my list of how I'm eventually going to be ok:

• I've had many tender mercies throughout my pregnancy reminding me that I'm not alone. The most poignant example was on Mother's Day, one of the hardest days in my year. I felt my baby boy kick for the first time that morning when I woke up. The tears fell down my cheeks as I imagined my sweet mom tickling my baby to make him move for me that day. 

• I have a support system. It's not the one that I expected to have when having my first baby, but it is GOOD and it is RIGHT. I've had so many years where I haven't had my mom here to rely on but God loves me and gave me others to help me along my way. It's not wrong for me to love people like I love my mom.

• I'm surrounded by good examples of valiant motherhood. I can learn from them, love them, and apply their examples to my life.

• God loves me and won't leave me comfortless if I rely on Him and His promises. I trust God and I know that this new phase of life will be good and right despite how I wish it was playing out instead.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with becoming a mom when I've lived just shy of half of my life without mine. But I hear these things happen naturally and I'm guessing that I'll learn how eventually. :)